


Vanilla Twilight

by SadieAndor



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, But then someone died, F/M, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Sorry, POV Cassian Andor, Sad Cassian, Very little dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-05 01:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17315498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadieAndor/pseuds/SadieAndor
Summary: Oh, if my voice could reach back through the pastI’d whisper in your earOh darling, I wish you were hereOr: Cassian, a year since he felt whole.





	Vanilla Twilight

**Author's Note:**

> The stars lean down to kiss you  
> And I lie awake and miss you  
> Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere  
> I’ll doze off safe and soundly  
> But I’ll miss your arms around me  
> I’d send a postcard to you dear  
> ‘Cause I wish you were here
> 
> I’ll watch the night turn light blue  
> But it’s not the same without you  
> Because it takes two to whisper quietly  
> The silence isn’t so bad  
> ‘Till I look at my hands and feel sad  
> Because the spaces between my fingers  
> Are right where yours fit perfectly
> 
> I’ll find repose in new ways  
> Though I haven’t slept in two days  
> Because cold nostalgia chills me to the bone  
> And drenched in vanilla twilight  
> I’ll sit on the front porch all night  
> Waist deep in thought because  
> When I think of you I don’t feel so alone
> 
> I don’t feel so alone
> 
> When violet eyes grow wider  
> And heavy wings grow lighter  
> I’ll taste the sky and feel alive again  
> And I’ll forget the world that I knew  
> But I swear I won’t forget you  
> Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past  
> I’d whisper in your ear  
> Oh darling, I wish you were here
> 
> \- Owl City, "Vanilla Twilight"

_ _

_ _

He should be asleep. Chirrut will scold him again in the morning, he knows, but as Cassian stares up at the ceiling, he also knows he can't stay in bed. 

It’s been a year, or it will have been, tomorrow. A year of blurry loneliness. A year since he felt whole. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of Jyn Erso’s death. 

He hoped he might have recovered - no, not recovered, just adjusted, by now, but he’s realized he’ll never adjust, much less recover. He  _ misses _ her, so bad it hurts, a constant, physical ache.The room is cold when he gets up, but he can’t bear to put on his jacket. Jyn always loved to wear his jackets, and he can’t look at them right now. He pulls the blanket from his bed, wrapping it around his shoulders as he shuffles out onto the porch to sit on the front step. 

Outside he can gaze at the millions of stars and galaxies that arch above him.The atmosphere of this planet Bodhi brought them to is clear, and the night sky is beautiful. Though not, his heart reminds him with an ache, as beautiful as his Jyn’s eyes.

He picks out the many constellations he’s learned since he’s lived here, letting his eyes fall partly out focus. Only two of the five moons are visible right now, which means it’s later than he thought. Or, not late any more; the sky will grow lighter soon.

“I’m tired, Jyn,” he says and it feels ridiculous but somehow right, to say it out loud. “So tired. I haven’t slept long enough since… well, since you.”

It’s painfully silent, no voice to whisper back, not even another set of lungs to share the air. For a moment, one wonderfully awful second, Cassian can almost feel her arms around him, the phantom touch making him shudder. It’s gone in an instant, and all he feels is bereft.

“Wish you were here,” he whispers, and it sounds so weak, pitiful even to his own ears.

K2 says that Jyn haunts him, but that isn’t true. The memories that overwhelm him sometimes could never be a haunting, they’re part of what sustains him. She lived, lived with him, and his life in infinitely better for it. Even when it hurts, he has to remember her.

Cassian’s life can be divided into two parts. Hopeless, lonely before and the bright, chaotic, happy after. His whole life revolves around Scarif, on either side of the day he came so close to dying in Jyn’s arms. 

He remembers Jyn, now, in the short time he knew her before. 

_ I’ve never had the luxury of political opinions. _

_ Trust goes both ways. _

_ Rebellions are built on hope. _

_ I’m not used to people sticking around when things go bad. _

_ Are you with me? _

_ All the way _ , Cassian thinks now. The first time he saw her, realized how lovely she was. The first time he saw her fight, dropping so many stormtroopers so fast. She could take him down, easily, and he’d enjoy it.

He holds the memories from after closer to his heart.  _ After,  _ when she was beside him when he woke from sedation. The months of dancing around what was growing between them. When he finally kissed her, in the engine room of a tiny shuttle.

They keep coming, images from his life with Jyn. Dozens of times they almost died, one or the other or both, but they stayed alive and together. Hundreds of kisses, hours and hours in her arms, too tired to continue. His proposal, a month before the Battle of Endor, their wedding three days later.

He reaches instinctively for the cord around his neck, fingers curling around the crystal, the last physical thing he has of her to carry. Everything feels heavy, and he  _ misses _ her.

And alone on the front porch, the sky growing lighter, Cassian cries.

  


Eventually, the sun rises on the house, and Bodhi comes out of the house. He brings caf, and Cassian appreciates the physical warmth of it, even if all he feels is cold.

“Have you been out here all night?” Bodhi says, quietly as if Cassian will break at too much. In all honesty, he might. At his silence, he knows.

“I know it’s hard,”

“It’s been a year, Bodhi. I just feel so empty.” His voice breaks, and he’s going to cry again, Cassian before would be shocked by all Cassian after’s tears. Especially Cassian  _ after _ after. “I thought it might have gotten better by now. I thought… I thought the pain would lessen. I… I just want my Jyn.”

“I know, Cass. I know.”

Bodhi must see the way he clutches the crystal, tears escaping his clenched-shut eyes, shoulders shaking, because he says, “Should I go?”

Cassian manages a nod.

  


In an hour or so, he’ll get up. He’ll eat whatever breakfast the guardians made, but he won’t taste it. He’ll cry, on and off, all day. His friends will hug him, make him take care of himself. In the evening, they’ll talk about Jyn, share favourite stories, and her memory will threaten to consume him. He won’t sleep tonight, either. Bodhi and the guardians will stay with him in the living room. They will let him sob.

Tomorrow, he’ll dust himself off, go back to empty ache instead of stabbing pain. It won’t go away. He will miss his wife. But things will get easier. And eventually, he’ll become one with the force and be with his wife again.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So... This is my first ever published fic. When I started writing for these two, I promised I would just write fluff, since they get enough angst in canon alone. And then this happened. I'm sorry.
> 
> Constructive criticism is appreciated, but not expected.


End file.
